“What is your biggest fear?” They asked me.
“I don’t think I can exactly put it in words that would make sense, but I’ll try.” I said, and then paused for a while as I tried to string together a variety of words that would make sense to them because our perspectives were universes apart.
“What I fear the most is that one day, I’ll give up on being who I truly am. What I mean is that, I’m very different, that’s the reason I’m the odd one out whether it’s family or friends. I think and act in ways that is not usual or normal and I don’t mean daily life activities, I mean the life changing decisions and the norms of the society and things like that and only because of that, I’ve never fitted in. Yes, it always has and will continue to bother and hurt me but putting myself out there in an open and honest manner gives me a sense of peace because that is who I am and I don’t have to bear the burden of pretending to be someone else simply to just fit in. But my fear is that someday, I’m not going to be able to tolerate the pain of being the weird one, of not fitting in, that I’ll start pretending; I’ll give up on my beliefs, I’ll give up on fighting for what I want, I’ll give up on my views that oppose the norms, and I’ll give up on everything and anything that makes me who I truly am and just turn into this human robot who follows everything and everyone just because I don’t want to be left out anymore. It’s something I fear so much because I’ll be turning into someone I always detested and yet I won’t be able to stop myself because the world would have crushed me to an extent that I would have stopped caring about everything by that point and at the same time internally I’ll start hating myself for turning into that human robot. It’ll be a war within me and that is what I fear the most because how will I be able to win against myself?”