The Paragraph Girl's Thoughts

Him!

I dreamt of him last night
It felt so real
He was right in front of me
And it made me so very happy

I didn't want to wake up
But reality dragged me back
I wanted that dream to go on forever
But it didn't and now I'm awake

He & I, we used to be so close
I don't know what happened
Or why it happened
But now we no longer talk

He used to care so much for me
He used to make me smile
But what happened now
I really don't know

I miss him, I miss us
For I remember
Every single memory
In vivid detail

I hadn't thought of him in ages
But sadness was eating me up
And as always he made me smile
Even if it was via a mere dream

The Paragraph Girl's Thoughts

Memories: the storehouse of our past.

Sometimes, despite the fact that you've moved on, whether it's been months or years, there will always be moments when certain memories tend to haunt you. This can apply to any kind of broken relationship whether it's your lover, best friend, work buddy, anything because we humans have the tendency to form some kind of a bond with the people in our surroundings. What that bond further develops into depends on luck and a variety of other circumstances that life throws in our way.

Now why am I bringing this up? Well obviously because one such memory or let's say a bunch of memories have been materialising quiet frequently in the past few days and it was one of the main reasons as to why my mood was very much affected. This is something I didn't realise until now; I was in a pretty good mood after almost three whole days and then I played a song that randomly popped up in my newsfeed and it drastically affected my mood by making me recall certain memories. And that's when everything fell into place and it dawned upon me that I've been a grumpy cat for the past three days because my mind has been residing in different parts of my past.

I've been tormenting myself relentlessly by recalling certain moments; some happy and some sad. Some make me want to travel back to the past and freeze time, for they are so very precious, for they made me happy, for those are the moments were when I truly felt loved and treasured. And then there are moments that make me want to hunt down a potion that could erase away that particular fragment of memory, for they are so very painful, for they have made me shed an endless amount of tears, for they have broken my spirit and made me question everything that I ever believed in.

When such intense emotions swirl within your being, you end up feeling conflicted and when you try to conceal your emotions, you just end up being moody, at least that is how I end up. I honestly have no clue as to why my soul's been dragging me back to the past; is it trying to tell me something? Or is it just my mind playing tricks on me as it tries to drag me down a pit of depression? I don't know.

But certain memories of a number of broken friendships made me smile and hurt simultaneously for those bonds consisted entirely of happiness and laughter until the very end, when things took a nasty turn and everything ended on an ugly note. It's been more than a year since one such bond drew to an end and despite the fact that it was an extremely short lived friendship, it was one where I explored and experimented a lot of instances for the very first time ever and I truly was happy during that time.

I believe that regardless of how bitterly any bond concludes, we will always learn something from it and we will always have at least one memory that we can cling on to, a memory that has the potential to make us smile despite the million other ugly memories that arose from that bond.

I needed to write this down because now I think I get what my memories have been trying to tell me. Lately I had adapted this mindset to shut off everyone and not bother making any new friends because of the number of times I've got hurt due to all kinds of ways I've been abandoned. And then these memories started flooding my mind, which eventually led to me writing this post. Somewhere along writing these words, a part of me slowly began to understand that despite all the pain I've been through, all the tears that's flown down my cheeks, all the sleepless nights I've spent trying to think where I went wrong, despite all of this, there were moments when I was happy, moments that I spent laughing, moments where I learnt something new, moments where I loved and enjoyed life.

So just because a few people broke me, it shouldn't mean that I should shut everyone else off, right? Maybe I should give people another chance. Maybe. I don't know whether I'll be able to do that. But for now, it's a thought, it's a possibility.

Hope you are blessed with a ton of happy memories!

[23.07.2017]

Oh and I was listening to this song while writing this. Came across it today & it's been on repeat. xD

xx

Shards from the past

Shards from the past | Biggest fear…

“What is your biggest fear?” They asked me.

“I don’t think I can exactly put it in words that would make sense, but I’ll try.” I said, and then paused for a while as I tried to string together a variety of words that would make sense to them because our perspectives were universes apart.

“What I fear the most is that one day, I’ll give up on being who I truly am. What I mean is that, I’m very different, that’s the reason I’m the odd one out whether it’s family or friends. I think and act in ways that is not usual or normal and I don’t mean daily life activities, I mean the life changing decisions and the norms of the society and things like that and only because of that, I’ve never fitted in. Yes, it always has and will continue to bother and hurt me but putting myself out there in an open and honest manner gives me a sense of peace because that is who I am and I don’t have to bear the burden of pretending to be someone else simply to just fit in. But my fear is that someday, I’m not going to be able to tolerate the pain of being the weird one, of not fitting in, that I’ll start pretending; I’ll give up on my beliefs, I’ll give up on fighting for what I want, I’ll give up on my views that oppose the norms, and I’ll give up on everything and anything that makes me who I truly am and just turn into this human robot who follows everything and everyone just because I don’t want to be left out anymore. It’s something I fear so much because I’ll be turning into someone I always detested and yet I won’t be able to stop myself because the world would have crushed me to an extent that I would have stopped caring about everything by that point and at the same time internally I’ll start hating myself for turning into that human robot. It’ll be a war within me and that is what I fear the most because how will I be able to win against myself?”

Shards from the past

Shards from the past | What I expect in any kind of relationship…

If we are friends, then I expect you to tell me what's on your mind, I expect you to tell me when I hurt you, I expect you to tell me when I'm doing something wrong, I expect you to tell me if I've offended you, basically, I expect you to verbally say it out loud if and when I'm completely ignorant about what's going on.

Now people can interpret this in so many ways and some would say that friendship is about understanding each other and being able to read each other's minds and all those stuff and yeah, I agree, it is. But at the same time, we are humans, we all are, none of us are mind readers and when we all get caught up in the hassle of the daily life, occasionally we tend to slip up, we tend to forget, we tend to be unaware of what's going on around us and none of this happens with any intention of hurting your friend and ignoring them or trying to get anyone's attention or anything of that sort; no, it's because it's in our nature. End of the day, we are humans and we all tend to err.

That's why we have friends, family, siblings, partners and the list goes on; so that they can help us build better relationships and become better sisters, brothers, husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, etc.

Obviously by this I don't mean that now all of us go out and start pointing every small flaw in each other. But what I mean is that there are situations when you are with someone you love, you end up behaving or saying something unintentionally that hurts the other individual's emotions and you never realise that. And you are going to keep saying that particular thing or behaving in that particular manner and it's going to keep inflicting pain upon the other person until it reaches a point where the bond gets strained. But if you take a step back and the other person just takes a second and asks you to not do that because it's hurting their sentiments or offending them; then that's it, you accept it, because none of us have the right to say that we did not hurt anyone because if someone is hurt then they are hurt; and then you apologise and you remember not to say or do that again.

It's simple as that. But people make it so complicated; they see it as the other person finding flaws in you; they see it as the other person trying to change you; they just completely misunderstand the entire situation and things blow out of proportion and chances are you end up fighting.

But that's the thing; this is a two way relationship, if you find something about my behaviour and mannerisms that's displeasing you, so can I, and it's all about being loud and clear so that any kind of bitterness, regardless of how small it is doesn't build up in your heart. Thus, you should always be open to criticism in a relationship.

Bonds should work in this manner because this how you build each other up, this is how you make each other better human beings, this is how you develop a better understanding of each other and it improves the communication between you and the other person, because truth be told, at the end of the day, none of us are mind readers; we don't know how or what the other processes things and vice versa.

The Paragraph Girl's Thoughts

Finding my way around this place…

Hello there!

So if it's not pretty evident, I am new here. I made a blog and then decided to check out the other aspects of WordPress when it actually should have been the other way around. I never follow the normal order of things that everyone does.

I am so very used to the outline of my old blog that I kind of am feeling lost over here and am unsure as to what to do, who to follow, what to post or when to post for that matter.

I searched about blogging tips and realised that following those tips and writing in a manner with the sole aim to please a set of target audience was and will never be my style because I honestly have no idea how to change myself simply to garner people's attention. And this has always been a major hurdle in the way of my blog's prosperity.

An overly famous blog is not what I am aiming for but I definitely would like it if my blog does not remain invisible. My purpose behind maintaining a blog is to simply be able to reach out and connect with the few souls out there who possibly are similar to me.

I am pretty sure that there are humans out there who think and feel like I do and if there aren't then I would like to know what the rest think of the manner in which my thought processes function.

Bottom line is that this blog isn't some major source of inspiration and neither does it contain tips about being successful in life. It's merely about a female specie, who has spent most of her life being invisible, due to her different personality and the only relationships she's ever known are the ones she shares with her family and close circle of friends and based on whatever observations she's made or will be making, she plans on writing blog posts which could range from rantings to insights into university life and about a whole ton of emotions for she is definitely a very sentimental and sensitive creature.

Yup, that's pretty much it. I know, I know this ended up being another intro. When am I actually going to start writing real posts? I don't know, I'm waiting for inspiration to strike.

xx

Shards from the past

Shards from the past | INTRODUCTION

So these posts are basically going to be the ones I’ve written before on Tumblr. Now if you are wondering why am I dragging them over to WordPress, well there is no special reason, I just happen to love them.

And to be honest, some of them are dear to me because they either remind me of something/someone special or they happen to be a fine piece of writing that I managed to master.

Okay, I’m going to end the intro here in an attempt to keep it short because almost everything I write will be really, really long, no kidding, I mean it.

xx

[So as I was writing this, I was listening to this song… I don’t know why but I like the beats in it… Obviously you don’t have to like it too, but there is no harm in checking it out, is there?]

The Paragraph Girl's Thoughts

The Debutante…

For the past three years, I’ve been maintaining a blog on Tumblr and things are pretty straightforward over there [and no, this is not me promoting Tumblr over here, just in case you were wondering]. This being the first post on this page, puts a lot of pressure on me to make it seem presentable and interesting enough in order to attract a few readers, but it’s at moments like this that my brain lets me down completely and I end up rambling nonsense.

I’ve mentioned a few things about myself under the “About” section so it would be pointless to repeat all of that. So I’m thinking that maybe I should just give an outlay of what you can expect from this blog.

As the title speaks for itself, this is the beginning of an independent blog, where I will not have Tumblr as a supportive backbone kind of thing. I want to make things a bit different but at the same time I also liked the way things were organized over there, so basically I’m going to be experimenting a lot until I reach a point where I am content with what I am posting. Now, what does that mean? It ¬†means that I’m going to be posting and then maybe deleting some of them and then reposting them and what not, so if you happen to want to go back and read something that was there two days ago, you might not find it, or you might see me promoting a post, only to never find it. Yeah, I know, I sound like I’m half-lunatic, I might be, who knows. Keep reading to find out if I actually am.

There is a series called “The Diary of Jane”. This is where I will be venting about my life. Occasionally there might be a few positive¬†things mentioned if, and only if I had happened to walk into a rainbow or something on that particular day. I’m pretty sure you’ve lost any kind of appeal you initially had for this blog by this point.

But if you haven’t and you managed to make it to this paragraph, firstly, wow, and secondly, thank you. Now I’m not completely pessimistic. I do have a few streaks of various other sentiments too and when I am feeling those, I write quotes and edit them on to pictures that I find on Tumblr. [Okay, I mentioned Tumblr again but believe me, I am not promoting it. I might just be slightly addicted to it. **nervous laughter**]

So as I was saying, quotes, some might be sad [obviously since that’s the major essence of my soul], some overly joyful, some lovey-dovey, some highly optimistic. You get the point, right? Right?

Okay, I guess I have mentioned the two main aspects of my blogging style. The rest are going to be experiments. And now I am not sure what else I am supposed to say.

Urm, read and follow my blog, please?

Kay, cool, so the Creature is done for now. See you guys later! xx